The keys in my hand

TOMORROW! Tomorrow morning - after living 14 weeks/3.5 months in the basement of my father-in-law (a VERY bizarre experience indeed)- and after living with Dennis for over 10 years me and our three little ones will move into what feels like my first home. My very own space. Not simply the place I sleep and keep my stuff. Not a place where I have to come up with systems that work for both Dennis and me, compromising and toning myself down. My space. With my rules. It feels like a dream, the way things have worked out is even more miraculous than my miracles expecting mind visualised. On Thursday Dennis is starting his new job in a big city about 2 hours away by train. Losing between 4-6 hours per day travelling wasn’t a solution, so together we made the decision that he’s going to stay there Mon-Fr. He’ll have time to write and train and all the other things he wants to do while getting to know himself better while I will have time to find out who I am without him around.

At the start of this year, in a session with my mindset mentor I suddenly realised how deeply codependent patterns ran through our relationship. I stopped the cycle of overfunctioning/breaking down, taking back all my responsibilities AND handing Dennis back his. I stopped micromanaging, controlling and emotional care taking. It wasn’t pretty. I didn’t know if I even wanted to be with him any longer. And we kept slipping back into old, unhealthy conversations and patterns so easily. When we first parted in May it felt like my heart was broken and I grieved for the marriage we no longer had, now that we both saw what was going on. I hoped/wished/ prayed that he would find himself, so we could find out if we still wanted to be with each other. Financial misaligned choices and getting a job taking longer than expected led to us joining him in Germany two months later.

In this time now, here in the basement of my father-in-law, life has been tough and incredible sweet and hard and amazing. All at the same time. And we both know that spending 5 days/week apart is the best thing we can do, for us as individuals as well as for our marriage and our family. I’m incredible excited for this new chapter starting on the witches new year. And grateful to have an exceptional partner by my side, who doesn’t shy away from the hard conversations and making decisions based on what feels most aligned. We’re all packed up and the keys in my hand mean so much more to me than simply a new flat. They mean freedom, trust, space and love. May you find the solutions that bring more of that into your life too. And always remember: You are Love! Annika x

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