Earlier this year I took a week off, just by myself, to go and visit my Dad. I had some questions I needed answered plus I really needed some rest. More about this visit in this blog post here. The big aha and the part of my identity I let go off on that trip was the belief that “I was a mistake, an accident.” Since then I have been healing through layers and layers of “Well if I wasn’t a mistake why did my Mum treat me like she did?” You see, this belief, that part of my identity, that I was born as an accident, explained so much and made it so much easier to understand in what place my Mum was while I grew up, but especially in my early childhood, why she interacted with me in the way she did, very detached and emotionally unavailable. At least that is how I remember it. So letting go of it was incredible painful and left me hurt and confused and not able to understand.
In the last week, especially with this Full Moon I released another layer of this. On Wednesday my friend and amazing colleague Laura Powner did an RTT (Rapid Transformation Therapy) session with me after she recently trained with the incredible Marisa Peer. When we started the session I had already identified the repeating thought that kept popping up - seemingly unrelated to what I was doing and spread over all the areas in my life - my business, my relationship, my mother role, friendships…everywhere. The thought was: “I’m useless and replaceable. I don’t belong here.” I recognised that this thought pattern came up, sabotaging me, keeping me from making the changes I really wanted to make in my life, but I couldn’t go deep enough to see what was going on. I can do a lot myself, but about every 6-8 weeks I need someone else to help me through something. And I can always trust that the right person for the job comes into my awareness in Divine Timing, like Laura did. In the session with Laura we went back to a couple of core memories in this lifetime where this thought pattern was planted and it quickly became clear that they were all quite early on in my childhood and related to my Mum. Deep (deep DEEP) down I still believed that I wasn’t lovable and to make sure that I couldn’t show myself that I was loved and supported - by myself, the Universe and the people around me - I had pressed down all my big visions and dreams, pushed everyone away and sabotaged myself in numerous subtle and not so subtle ways since my Germany visit.
I made the fact that the woman who birthed me couldn’t express her love in the way I would have needed it a reflection of how undeserving of love I am. And up until now I have repeated this old story, this pattern through the way I acted. But now I can see it I can’t ignore it any longer. One of the four agreements: Don’t take anything personally. I know she did the best she could with what she had. And now it’s up to me to chose differently, not only for myself but also for my children, to love them way they need to be loved.
Laura sent me back to the earliest memory, to rewrite the story and pick up the little crying 7 months old and bring her into my home, here, in the present. Then she recorded a beautiful affirmation visualisation with the new belief “I’m lovable.” It’s Sunday today and so, as her prescription was to listen to the recording for 21 days every single day, I have already listened to it 4 times. And every time I release more tears. I’ve started noticing my big visions and dreams returning and how I’m easily able to receive all the support and love that’s flowing my way. On the Full Moon Circle I hosted Friday night, together with my Soul Garden members I used La Luna’s powerful energy to release. And I felt great and loved and lovable. Until yesterday evening.
I have a half finished blog post with the title “I wish I had a village” on my laptop, which will still come on here whenever it is finished, in which I write about the loneliness and isolation I dealt with after my two sons were born and how I wish it would be different this time around. And how fast the wonderful women of this little village down here in East Cork are willing to welcome me once I got clear on that desire.
So yesterday evening we were invited to a bonfire birthday party. I was delighted and grateful when the invitation came earlier this week. And when it was time to leave I couldn’t. All I was able to think was how I didn’t want to see anyone, how alone and out of place I would be there, how useless as I couldn’t help because walking hurts and I couldn’t even bring a gift, as I had asked several times and was told to not bring anything.
And so I repeated my old pattern again, pushing away the opportunity to connect, pushing away my partner and my children, telling them to go without me. Tears streamed down my face while I couldn’t say more than that. Just: “Go without me.” If you know a little bit about my husband you know that this is not how we communicate normally. I’m a verbal processor and so he knows something is going on if I don’t talk about it, when I go silent. I had shared with my partner the desire to have a village, a circle of supportive women around me, who would be physically able to help when our daughter arrives in a couple of weeks. And so he sat down in front of me, reminding me of the desire I have, that there are people welcoming us with open arms and all we have to do is to show up. And while I was sobbing, tears running down my face and into his jacket, him holding me tightly, I shared the thoughts and feelings that were passing through me. And he said: “I’m not leaving you alone like this. If you’re not coming with us we’re not going.” Normally the boys retreat and give us space when I have one of my tearful releases. At least when their Dad is here. If they are alone with me and I cry they normally ask me if I need a hug and then stay with me like I do with them when they cry. But Lucan, my 4.5 year old heard what Daddy said and because he was so excited to go to the party he burst out in tears, coming in, crying: “I really wanted to go to the party.” Still crying I replied: “But you can go to the party, don’t worry, you can go without me.” He sat down on the bed next to me, clearly upset and said:”No, we’re not going without you. I don’t want to go without you.” Something in his voice brought me back into the moment. I remembered a lesson I learned a couple of years back, that the Universe speaks through the people around us and many times before Lucan had spoken words I desperately needed to hear. My amazing channeling healer child. Almost startled and very present I asked him:”But why?” And then I listened.
He answered: “Because I love you. I want to have you with me, I want to have fun with you. We are one family and I need you to come with us.”
These words. The words I spoke to my 7 months old self when I picked her up in the dark room, and she looked at me confused, because she had cried and although she had heard her Mum outside nobody came before. Almost the same words had just left my little boys mouth. Reminding me that I can chose differently now, right here. And believe that I am lovable and have my place, that I’m useful and needed and loved. I had one last big cry in Dennis arms after he whispered into my ear: "Same here!" and a little over 5 minutes later I sat in the car with them. I did show up for my desire, for myself, for my family. After I showed up and looked at what was really going on, looking behind my "social anxiety". Mesmerised by the Full Moon I sat by the fire, releasing another bit of my fears and old beliefs into it. Most of the time I spent with my younger son, Aidan, sitting next to me, fascinated by the flames. A couple of chats with other moms, minding the hosts beer while he fed the fire as he said that the pregnant women is the only safe place for it, so I even felt useful. Releasing my old story bit by bit. Why am I telling you all this? Because it is important that I share that there is no constant flow and facing your mind and the patterns and beliefs that cover up who you really are inside is not done alone in a room. You need a support system around you, so make sure that you surround yourself with people who can hold your bigger vision, your Soul’s path, your desires and dreams especially in the moments when you can’t. All too often we think we need to keep those sacred desires secret, hidden in our hearts. Don’t keep them secret, share your dreams and find the people in your life who go: YES, I believe in you, I can see you doing that, how awesome it will be to witness you. So in wobbly moments, in moments of doubt and confusion, self sabotage and your Protective Maiden trying to keep you safe and small they can remind you. And also, if you have children around you, listen to them, in moments when you are stressed, full of fear or exhausted and feel deflated, ready to give up. They can hear the Universe much clearer than most other people. I deeply believe the Divine speaks through them.
And just in case there is no one in your life yet (remember, you can totally call them in!) who is supportive of your desires I want to be this person, I want to tell you this today: You are enough. More than enough. You are amazing, powerful, magical and strong. And I believe you can do every thing you set your mind on. You decide. Just ask yourself: Will this bring me closer to my desire, will this keep me on my Soul’s path? Because there is not a single desire in your heart that can’t be fulfilled. And you deserve to have everything you desire. You are magnificent and the world needs your unique blend of energy. There is a reason you are on this planet, you are this Soul having a human experience right now. Don’t let fear and doubt stop you from moving forward. Go for it, go all in. Why? Because I want to have you with me on this magical ride that is called life. I want to witness you in all your glory. I love you, just as you are, you incredible bright light!
Sending you Love&Light, Annika x