Discovering my Inner Warrior Goddess

My inner Kali came out today, ready to skin someone while biting their head off...Surprised? Yeah, me too! You all know the gentle and soft side of me. Some of you know I have a loving, but firm side. And with some of you know I've also shared that shouting and yelling is one of my go to reactions, especially with my kids because of the way I observed it growing up. Now, I didn't know this until I had my first son. But since then I have been working relentless to not go into "Shouting mode" scaring my boys, but actually remaining calm and respectful. Up until today I didn't know that ANYONE else than my boys and at the odd occasion my husband could trigger me so much that I would just scream (sometimes at them) until my throat would hurt. It happened today. And it wasn't pretty. 4 days ago, on my birthday, we moved into the villa with the private pool. And I discovered after 9 days of waiting, living together in one bedroom and with one bathroom, that the "bigger" villa had exactly just that. One bedroom and one bathroom. While I had paid up front in full for two bedrooms and two bathrooms. So I went up to the reception and told them that I need to talk to their manager. They asked why, I explained our situation and that I'm not paying for something they are not providing and they promised me their boss would get back to me as soon as he came back. 48 hours of waiting and continuously reminding them that I need to speak to him passed and he didn't show up. I had time to listen to my Inner Maiden/my Soul and found that what I really needed right now and made quite clear when we arrived is a second bedroom with a door to close, so all of us sleep better and I could work in good lightning in the evenings without waking up my children or getting eaten by mosquitos outside. So it needed working WiFi too. Nothing they would be able to provide. Also in every food, every sauce, every juice, even when I said no sugar please, there was sugar. So my depression paired with silent migraine flared up again, minimal, but there. I had to constantly repeat myself when I ordered and every morning except of one they got our order wrong. When I tried to rent scooters they first brought one for the four of us, which wouldn't start. And our food orders were forgotten regularly. And I learned that, although it looked incredible, the villa and the view were spectacular and everything was super clean, the people working there didn't think or LISTEN. And I got frustrated. Because for the first time in my life I would listen closely to what my heart desired. I wanted to be a valued guest, not a customer, served brainless. And I saw that I wouldn't be able to find that there. Nevertheless I gave the man over 48 hours to show up and find a solution. He didn't. I don't like waiting. And so I stopped waiting and searched for a house that would fullfill our needs. I booked it straight away and arranged for us to be picked up this morning. Even with forgiveness and deep breathing I felt VERY emotional for being ignored. And so I asked Dennis to handle the situation and communication with them from that point on. He really tried. They played him as much as they played me, saying that their manager was there, then he wasn't, then we should wait longer as he's away etc. Luckily I had his email and Dennis was able to contact him directly, telling him that we want a partial refund for the days we paid for two bedrooms, but only got one and a full refund for the rest of our stay. He told Dennis we need to wait for him to come back. That's when I lost it and Kali came out. I just snapped into a very different SHOUTING MODE and started shouting at my husband that I'm feeling so much anger and rage right now that "I will kill someone". These words have never left my mouth before. And a part of me curiously watched what unfolded next. My husband, a very brave man, looked at me calmly and said: "Calm down. Don't put your aggressions on me, they are hurting me. I'm not the one you need to shout at!" And I looked at him, realised he was right and took my frustration up to the reception. I think I have NEVER been SO SCARY in my life. I scared the crap out of myself while I was shouting at the two men at the reception, luckily exactly the two men who have been sending me and my husband away over an over, the ones who wouldn't listen and would need three tries to get anything right. Don't get me wrong, I'm not proud of this. At this point I waited for the 4th day to speak to someone who could help me resolve my discomfort. After 9 days of waiting, hoping it would be resolved from that point on. That's what it took for me to completely LOSE MY SHIT. And while I'm very sorry that I scared the tan out of their faces, they finally got that I mean what I'm saying: That I'm not waiting any longer and that their chance to provide a solution is gone and that I want a refund. I found out what triggered me so much around this: I have ignored my own needs for so long and didn't listen to my gut feeling and the guidance I got that now that I do LISTEN and AKNOWLEDGE that these needs are valid and worth be taken care of it drives me absolutely mad when others don't. Hearing my husband say: "We will make it work somehow" brings up a BIG FAT "NO WAY" in me. Life is too short to make it work somehow, to not do everything I can to make it the best experience I can in every single moment. And I still love them as the human beings that they are. And I also value my time and my experience high enough to not take their shit any longer. And I met a new part of me today, my Inner Warrior Goddess, in a very scary setting. She was woken up last Wednesday, by Ida, the High Priestess at the New Moon through a powerful ritual I will share more about soon, as soon as I was able to process it fully. For now I felt that this was important to share with you. Just because you are on this spiritual path doesn't mean that you need to react to everything with love and light. That you need to have it together all the time. That you need to take everything others hand you and "make it work somehow". And that nothing and noone is worth waiting for. Waiting is a waste of time, you can do so much better things with it. Sending you Love&Light, Annika x

#Kali #WarriorGoddess #Scared #Waiting