When I was a child I knew I had wings. I would spend my days in the garden, talking to the fairies and the bees and the squirrels and my beautiful trees. I would climb up high and spend an afternoon reading in the branches, connected, protected, in another world. I would brew potions and make wands and prepare meals for the leprechauns (or heinzelmännchen, that’s what they are called in German, my mother tongue).
But over time I forgot my wings. I forgot the magic inside of me, that connected me to all living creatures on this planet. I disconnected through television, through alcohol, through drugs, through sex. I collected a list of traumas, verbal, emotional, physical abuse and I left my mother’s house with 16. I ended up alone, depressed and suicidal. And through miraculous circumstances…
…I discovered my wings again. On the 25th of January 2005, 12 years ago, I walked into an alternative psychosomatic clinic in Bad Herrenalb in the black forest, where on the wall in big letters it said: “Here you will not get what you want, but what you need.”
When I was 17 I had the chance to work through and let go of most of the traumatic situations I collected in my childhood and early teenage years. I screamed through my fear and my anger, I danced, I painted, I met my inner child and learned to parent her myself the way my parents weren’t able to. And after 9 weeks of intensive therapy, without any distractions, not even books or music I came out as ME. Wearing my wings proudly, admired in the safe space the clinic was for the ability to be myself and love so freely and without judgement.
Coming out of the safe space of the clinic was hard. I went back to an empty flat, friends who couldn’t understand the magic, the wonder and connection I experienced and my open heart was crushed by the harshness of the “real world”. So I went back to what I knew, the alcohol, the drugs, the sex, the numbness, the struggle. Working 5 different jobs on nights and weekends while finishing my A-Levels (Abitur) to finance my addictions and survive. Slowly losing my wings again.
But that’s not how this story ends. Of course not. If the above was hard to read for you you probably should’t continue. Because there is more.
On New Year’s eve 2005 I was raped by a group of “friends”. I suppressed the memory, but my body and my soul didn’t forget what my mind hid so neatly, so after finishing school that summer and moving to the other end of Germany to fulfil my dream and train to be a musical actress I ended up in a psychic ward with an undiagnosed PTSD. Instead my diagnosis changed constantly, my meds changed constantly, my parents turned away, overwhelmed with an adult daughter, who according to the doctors would need a caregiver for the rest of her life. And I felt like a burden. Like a failure. Lonely. Unwanted. Dependant and helpless. Not fit to live. So better end it.
I managed to smuggle in sleeping pills. Into the closed psych ward. Twice. The first time my roommate got the nurses in “too quick”. I was transported to the hospital, but only had to sleep it off. The second time I bought the knock out pills and I managed to take the whole pack. I remember being rushed to the hospital, they did let me walk in to keep me awake. The next memory is of me lying in a dark room, with a tube in my throat. Staring at the wall, an object hanging there, a cross or a clock, lighting up…Getting brighter and brighter and me leaving my body behind, Getting sucked into this light, getting absorbed, travelling up and up and up. And then a book in my hands, my book, my book of life, my akashic record. I still had children to birth and raise. A message to share. Hearts to open. People to love. I wasn’t done yet. And I remembered my wings. The magic I had inside me. And I chose this life. I consciously pulled back into my body and pressed the button for the nurse, to remove the tube. And on this darkest of all nights, where all my hope was lost I found them again: I found my wings.
From that day on I was committed to get better. To find a way out, against all odds and diagnosis’s. And I did. I got better, I was accepted for rehab program, I studied and graduated as a technical drafts woman. I treated every day as an adventure. I found my soul mate. We moved to Ireland. We kept evolving together, modelling our life the way we wanted it to be. We had our first baby boy. And through all this time I stayed connected to the Akashic Records and the Element and Elementals, felt the magical connection inside me. But I wouldn’t talk about it. Because the moment I told someone the things I knew about them and their life, they would freak out. So I kept it to myself. Often thinking how weird or crazy I am. Suppressing those gifts of mine. Suppressing, forgetting my wings once again.
And then my fairy baby came along. During my second pregnancy I got very sick, by 17 weeks I couldn’t lift my legs in yoga, and then I couldn’t walk anymore without crutches when I reached 24 weeks. This gave me plenty of time to prepare for the birth, I did research, read books, watched documentaries. I would meditate, visualise, work with affirmations and then, on a magical June afternoon, in a quick 3 hour labour, my second son was born into the water in our living room (read the full story over HERE). It was the most magical experience in my life, Mother Earth and Spirit energy helped me through labour and I felt that magic again, I started spreading my wings while I was birthing my child. On that day the desire to tell more people about this beautiful connection between all living creatures, the magical life source in us, was born. It took me 6 month and the healing of the memory of the rape that emerged after 10 years, but I got to the point where I felt ready to start spreading my message.
I started as birth guide, with a holistic preparation online course. Which quickly evolved into a intuitive happiness coaching practise for non-pregnant women. Then I learned that I did more than help my clients get happy. I helped them connect to their Truth, their Essence, their Soul and the experience they were craving. And then the details of my second suicide attempt came up in September, and I had a chance to heal them too. Because now I had words for what had happened. I had a large circle of like minded women and my spirit guides by my side and faith in my path. I went to Alicante, Spain on a Soul-Led adventure and came back as…The Light Maiden. Ready to take on my Soul’s purpose to light up as many people as I can reach.
I started with 1:1 work, but saw quickly that it will be more beneficial to start a collection of the things I’ve learned and the tools I use, as I kept repeating myself over and over and over again.
And so the idea for the Light Maiden Academy (now the Soul Garden) arrived and when the download came and my genius visited I was ready. I was ready to step into this role and share my story how I found my wings over and over again…hoping that I could encourage others to do the same. I’m building a space where no judgement exists, a training ground for my fellow intuitive minds, the fairies, the mermaids, the earth angels, the healers, the light workers. A place where we can come together and celebrate our otherness, our unique abilities and share our knowledge. Where we can build a network all around the globe, so we can light up this world in this time of fear, darkness and confusion. A safe place to discover your wings - without having to leave again.
So that leaves just one question: Are you ready to join us and discover yours? Because I'd love to have you there!